Today I woke up feeling great. I wanted to play dolls. There was nothing wrong with me at all. I went to bed feeling happy and healthy.
Today I woke up feeling tired. I’m not sure what’s wrong. I took a nap and felt better. I went to bed feeling good.
Today I woke up with a headache. I saw the doctor. He gave me aspirin and said “this is normal.” My headache stopped. I went to bed feeling ok.
Today I woke up with a backache. I saw the doctor. He gave me a heating pad. I went home and it worked. I felt better. I went to sleeping feeling fine.
Today I woke up with an ache in my stomach. I saw the doctor. She gave me a laxative and said “discomfort with constipation is normal”. My constipated cleared. I went to bed feeling tired.
Today I woke up feeling tired and achey. I saw the doctor. He said “fatigue is normal during growth spurts”. I went home. I went to bed feeling exhausted.
Today I woke up and my body felt like lead. My mom says I’m just lazy. I just want to sleep. I feel bad. I went to bed feeling despondent.
Today I woke up with a pain in my side. I saw the doctor. She said “pain is normal with the menstrual cycle”. I was sent home with birth control. I only took one. I feel sad, angry, sweaty, tired, and lost. I might vomit. My boobs hurt. I can see my stomach swelling painfully. I went to bed wishing this was all a bad dream.
Today I woke up with a pain in my pelvis. It kept me up all night. I’m really tired. My dad says sleeping all the time makes my health problems worse. It’s my fault. I feel bad. I went to sleep and couldn’t dream.
Today I woke up exhausted. I haven’t slept in days because the pain is still there, but now I’m bleeding, sick, and feel dizzy when I get out of bed. My parents say I’m trying to get attention and think I’m acting out. I was only out of bed for a few hours today. I went to bed feeling alone and unwanted.
Today I woke up and the blood soaked my bed. I saw the doctor. He said “pain with the menstrual cycle is normal”. My mom took me to another doctor. That doctor, she said “pain with ovulation happens”. Mom took me to another doctor. That doctor, she said “it was all in my head. Maybe if I wasn’t a slut, this wouldn’t be happening to me.” I cried myself to sleep. I cried for days. Sleep only comes sometimes if I’m lucky now.
Today I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy! I had a pain in my side. I lost the pregnancy before bed. I didn’t sleep. I went to bed and laid there feeling empty.
Today I woke up and couldn’t get out of bed. Something is wrong. I saw the doctor. They did emergency surgery. He said “it all looks normal, but it could be indicative of endometriosis.” I went home with no official diagnosis. The pain is worse now. The pain medication they gave me makes me vomit. The other pain pill they gave me makes me vomit even faster. I might be hallucinating. I went to bed wishing I didn’t exist and watching the walls crawl.
Today I woke up feeling excited. I’m getting married! Everything will be ok. I went to bed feeling sad, alone, tired, hurting, excited, and safe.
Today I woke up feeling sick. I found out I’m pregnant! I planned a day out with my mom, but before lunch I had a pain inside, a sickening feeling in the pit of me. I lost the baby before she could drive me home. My husband had to dispose of my panties because I couldn’t process the loss. I went to bed feeling like a failure.
Today I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I saw the doctor today. He said “early pregnancy loss is normal. We’ll make sure the next one sticks.” I went to bed feeling hopeful.
Today I woke up feeling sick. Everything aches. I found out I’m pregnant! I went to bed feeling happy, scared, and alone.
Today I woke up to a sharp pain. The baby is gone. I didn’t see the doctor today. I called and left a message. He messaged me back. The doctor said “sometimes multiple losses are normal. Just sleep it off.” I went to bed wishing I never existed.
Today I woke up feeling a knife in my belly. I looked down and saw nothing. I saw the doctor. The doctor said “uterus pain is normal”. I went home and slept it off. I went to bed feeling bad and then worse.
Today I woke up feeling tired. I sat up in bed and felt sick. The pregnancy test was negative. I took seven more, all negative. I saw the doctor today. She said “negative pregnancy tests are normal when you’re not actually pregnant.” I went home and was sick for a week.
Today I woke up. I couldn’t sit up in bed. I was too sick. They reluctantly fought over who had to take me to the ER. I saw the nurse. He said “you’re lucky to be alive and you’re pregnant”. I saw the doctor, she said “this is normal for first time pregnancies.” I went home terrified, excited, feeling like a burden, and hopeful. I went to bed clutching a bucket and breathing slowly through the stabbing pain.
Today I woke up feeling off. My heart is racing. There’s blood everywhere. My husband picked me up and took me to the doctor. The doctor said “some bleeding is normal, but you’re in preterm labor and need to take things slower. Have you been doing drugs?” I wasn’t allowed to go home. I felt guilty, to blame, and ashamed. Everything hurt. I slept fitfully through painful spasms that wracked my body. I had never even seen the drugs they had accused me of doing.
Today I woke up feeling happy. They sent me home. Home is more comfortable. I still feel sick. I went to bed feeling queasy and clutching another bucket.
Today I woke up and I knew something was wrong. I needed to pee. Blood is everywhere. I’m dizzy and the room is going dark fast. I saw the doctor today. She said “this type of bleeding with pregnancy is not normal. Doing cocaine causes these types of pregnancy complications. Are you on drugs?” They didn’t let me go home. They won’t let me use the bathroom without supervision. I’m not allowed to eat anything until it’s been checked first. My food is cold. My body hurts. I accidentally barfed on the nurse’s shoe. I never went to bed because I never left the bed. They won’t let me get up at all. The doctor makes me feel bad. I want to leave. Sleep never comes.
Today I woke up feeling happy! My baby comes today! The pain I am in is nothing compared to what I’ve been through. I survived! They can’t keep me imprisoned in bed anymore! My baby is so beautiful. I go to bed aching, split open and requiring internal reconstruction. I’m in so much pain and it’s getting worse. My baby won’t latch. My milk isn’t coming. I’m just happy I have my baby. I saw lots of doctors today. The lactation consultant said “flat nipples are normal, but you’re baby is on a nursing strike and that isn’t but it’s definitely your fault.” The OB doctor said “your cervix exploded. This isn’t normal but I stitched you up so you can be normal again.” I don’t sleep for over 48 hours because I’m afraid they’ll take the baby. I finally go to bed with promises and pleas from my mother and spouse.
Today I woke up to find my baby nursing successfully because my husband had been intervening and adjusting the latch all night while trying not to wake me. Breastfeeding hurts. My milk supply never fills properly, but he keeps the mastitis away. I went to bed elated that something was almost normal, and finally my boobs don’t ache as bad.
Today I woke up and the pain was worse. My baby is older now, hardly a baby at all. The doctors still won’t help. I saw the doctor today. She said “you look normal. I don’t see anything wrong. Try this birth control”. I tried to kill myself. The birth control failed. My cervix rupture from childbirth has turned into cervical ectropion. I don’t sleep much these days.
Today I woke up and couldn’t fight the pain or fatigue. I stayed in bed. The pain is still there. I never went to bed because I laid in it all day and night begging for the pain to stop.
Today I woke up and couldn’t stop the bleeding. The pain is so bad I cry when I sit upright, worse when I stand. I saw the doctor today. She said “painful menstrual cycles are normal”. I went to bed feeling ignored, invisible, and a burden.
Today I woke up and couldn’t catch my breath. The pain was so intense, I can’t sit up or lay flat on my back. I know there’s something wrong. I saw the doctor. She ordered an xray and seemed genuinely concerned, but during the exam was very rough and caused me to bleed. The exam caused my period to come a week early. I feel terrible. I went to bed and prayed to die.
Today I woke up and couldn’t remember who I was. Everything hurts. I’m exhausted. Did I even sleep? There’s something wrong. I go back to bed.
Today I woke up. I thought it was morning. My spouse is worried. I saw the doctor today. Results are in! She said “you look normal. I can’t see anything wrong with you or why you would be in pain.” She tried to send me home with birth control that had made me suicidal. I feel worse than ever now. I never went to bed. My spouse carried me there. I don’t know how long I’ve been here or what day it is. The curtain makes it look like time doesn’t pass.
I lose my days. Time slips away. All I know is pain. I don’t remember what life was like before the pain. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat now. It hurts too much. I can hear my baby crying, but he stopped being a baby. He’s a crying child now, scared. I am too. I missed everything. I go to bed. It hurts too much.
Today I woke up and laid in bed. My spouse carried me to the car and drove me to the hospital. The doctor says “your pain is normal. I see nothing wrong. You look fine to me.” I go home. I sleep.
I do nothing but sleep. Sleep is the only time when it doesn’t hurt. Sleep is when I can escape and replay my memories in happy filters where I erase all the pain and pretend the trauma was never there. It was all a dream that I made up….
Today I woke up and couldn’t get out of bed. The pain was too bad. I didn’t see the doctor. I knew what she would say. I went back to bed. Everything hurts. I can’t remember who I am. I forgot my child’s name. Am I married? I went to bed feeling hazy, hurting, and begging for food. There’s nothing but darkness.
Today I woke up and decided not to try. It hurts to breathe, so I stopped breathing. It hurts to eat, so I haven’t taken a bite of solid food in 2 months. My spouse makes me stand on the scale. I’m losing weight too fast. I went to bed feeling invisible, hurting, and begging to die.
Today I woke up and was in pain. I didn’t see the doctor. I knew what they would say, “the pain is normal”, so I rolled over and went back to bed.
Today I woke up and the pain was worse. I thought about going to the doctor, but didn’t go. I couldn’t bear to hear it anymore. My pain wasn’t real, but it’s all consuming. I feel like I’m dying, but the doctor said I was the picture of health. I can see my ribs and hipbones, so I pull the covers up to my chin and dream about being someone else. I never got out of bed today.
Today I woke up. I laid there in bed. I’m not sure how many days it’s been. I can’t tell if it’s day or night. I’m laying in bed. It hurts. I try to roll over. The pain swells up quickly, so hard I might be sick. I see stars. I can’t tell if my eyes are open or closed, but I dream about dancing.
Today I did not wake up. I’m still in bed. I stopped dreaming because of the pain. My life feels like playing dolls. Everything hurts. I’m smiling now because it will be gone soon. The pain isn’t real. Pain is normal. I’m smiling because that means I made it all up. I’m laying in bed, grinning at the ceiling in a mask of grimacing agony.
There was no today. I stopped fighting. They told me the pain was normal. They couldn’t see what was killing me until they cut my body open. The empty space on my bed is now a hollow ghost of a whisper. I wasn’t really missed because I never really existed.
They could have saved me, if pain wasn’t normal.