Oh my…… I’m not even really sure where or how to begin. Today is a BIG day for me. While you’re reading this, I’m going to be strapped to an OB/GYN table and enduring more than a few excruciating exams that will have me out of commission physically and emotionally for awhile.
In August I got very sick from the kindergarten plague cooties, and something went wrong with my Essure. My normal pain levels increased substantially to the point that my daily life and working around my chronic pain is no longer possible, it’s constant and getting worse. For some background, I’ve been learning to live with endometriosis (14 years), ovarian cysts(13 years), chronic pelvic pain(15 years), chronic vaginal pain(15 years), and what can best be summarized as cervical erosion with a childbirth injury(~5 years).
When my Essure was implanted in 2015, something didn’t go as planned and there was another injury to my vagina. It was so bad that I’ve done my best to hide this fact from EVERYONE. Only a select few people and BJx know about it. What I can best guess is that I was cut while being operated on and nobody noticed, so I went home to heal……… only it never healed. There’s a very sharp spot in my vagina that actually cuts through skin. This has NEVER been there before. Traditional intercourse involving my vagina AT ALL results in myself and my partner sustaining multiple lacerations to our genitals (you may have seen a few of the scars during blowjob videos). It’s unavoidable. Condoms don’t work, whatever this is, it cuts right through them like a fucking joke.
Enough is enough. I realized last month that I’ve now lived over half of my life normalizing pain and failing to understand what a normal, healthy sexual relationship looks like because of the limitations and scope of my pelvic injuries and conditions, and even accepting that I just can’t have sex. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had NOT PAINFUL sex in my life. ONE HAND. This has to end. I can’t plan my life or my parenting around my menstrual cycle anymore.
With any luck, this doctor’s visit will be the prelude for my journey to a hysterectomy. I’ve tried every birth control deemed safe for me to try, and they’ve all failed horrendously in different ways. Birth control pills, Mirena, and Depo Provera all made me suicidal, as well as caused severe, heavy periods, made my periods irregular, and increased my pain even more while not controlling or eradicating any of my symptoms and getting nowhere near my pain. The Mirena IUD (this was the one that made me actually attempt suicide by trying to jump out of a window) actually FELL OUT OF ME in a very grueling, graphic, hours long process; something that typically can only be removed by the doctor, fyi. The Depo Provera shot caused me to bleed for over 9.5 weeks continuously, among other problems too personal and upsetting to detail. The birth control pills (and yes I’ve tried them ALL!) mostly caused depression and uncontrollable urges to commit suicide, but they also caused me to gain weight, dried out my vagina, ruined my sex drive, and made sex even more painful than what I’m used to. I cannot take the patch or the ring because I’m allergic to a number of ingredients in them.
At this point, really my only hope for any sort of normal life is a hysterectomy because we’ve already exhausted every other option. I’ve been living with endometriosis for so many years now that I’m fucking pissed and tired. I’m done! I’ve got an arsenal of support, notes, records, and years of failed treatments at the ready. Right now we just need to cross our fingers that the recalled/discontinued Essure inside of me isn’t actively migrating like it feels to be, and that the doctor I’m seeing today will be compassionate, educated, and able to help. Health insurance is going to be another major hurdle, as I’m anticipating that this could drown me in debt for some time, if we’re lucky enough to get any funding period.
Because I know this appointment is going to be so painful and fatiguing on my body, I won’t be able to drive myself home and am planning to have BJ with me every second. He’s been prepped on how best to help me with care coming home, and is ready to help with the especially difficult part of talking to the doctor and navigating our treatment options. This appointment will most likely make it impossible for me to do anything sexual for quite some time, but I’m not unprepared! Just because this month is starting off terrifying and painful, it doesn’t mean this entire month will be a horror show!
Well, haha. A bit! But I’ll leave that surprise for next week. Wish me luck that this isn’t Doctor Killjoy! And stick around for some spooky tricks and treats all month!
Ps: But don’t worry! All of the sexy stuff coming out until the end of October was filmed welllllllllll before today’s big scary doctor’s appointment. 😉