Today I am undergoing excision surgery, vaginal cuff revision, and cystoscopy for my endometriosis. On the one year anniversary of my emergency life saving hysterectomy due to Essure rupturing my fallopian tube, I am finally getting my first true endometriosis surgery with one of the nation’s top excision specialists- not the same surgeon that performed my radical hysterectomy.
My history with endometriosis has been long and complicated. Since my hysterectomy, things have been going very bad and my body has been on a rapid decline. My health has been perilous, and I have been bedridden nearly entirely for the last year. I can no longer drive, carry my child, or walk without a cane, and I require constant supervision and assistance. My bladder has been failing since the hysterectomy, and despite our constant pushing for medical help, it has been withheld for reasons unknown to us.
Getting to this day has been horrendous.
When I first met my surgeon, I was in surgical menopause due to the trauma on my ovaries from the hysterectomy. My ovaries did eventually recover as it can be a natural process and response to being operated on, but she put me on a progesterone cream to “ease” the menopause symptoms in the meantime. Unfortunately, that hormone cream caused intensely vivid suicidal hallucinations, as well as other debilitating, life stopping symptoms. At the insistence of my spouse, we made the decision to discontinue those hormones and, SURPRISE, my ovaries finally started healing. Sort of.
I had two very fleeting months with minimal pain after my hysterectomy on March 15, 2019. My symptoms and pain quickly began progressing and spiraling beyond my control.
At my next appointment with this surgeon, I was put on an incredibly low dose antidepressant that made me UNABLE TO PEE. AT ALL. It also made me so depressed I was put on suicide watch again by my family, though these thoughts and feelings were never truly my own. She had the nerve to say neither of these treatments were failures, and that I was just anxious, if I had tried to tolerate a higher dose……. I was then prescribed pelvic floor physical therapy.
My therapist was great! She was kind and compassionate and really knowledgable. Unfortunately, I could not be treated because my endometriosis is aggressive and was progressing so quickly that they could not even touch me. Instead of receiving the care I needed, they could only focus on the pulled muscle in my right buttock caused by the extended catheter wear from my hysterectomy. Luckily that muscle was fixed- to the tune of $500 visits that only made my pain worse and aggravated my bladder problems severely…. I was eventually made to discontinue all physical therapy treatment as it was definitely escalating my pain and symptoms, as well as causing intense dissociative spells because of the pain and stress.
At the last meeting with my surgeon after PT was discontinued, she suggested that the therapists and I were wrong, even though she believed my therapist was one of the best available and was the one who referred me to this therapist specifically. She said I was just anxious. My spouse became so upset about her incorrect assumptions that he interrupted her mid sentence, something highly out of character for him. He felt I was not being heard and that I deserved better treatment, but she still insisted to him that I was anxious until he actually threatened to have us walk out and find another doctor at the CEC for Endometriosis. It was very upsetting for me, as she would not allow me to speak without interrupting me and refused to even look at my list of symptoms, stating that all her patients who kept symptom lists did it due to anxiety.
At this time, they were now delaying my treatment without due cause and prolonging my suffering. Instead of receiving help, I received an unlivable new host of symptoms and side effects that took months after discontinuing the medications to see minimal relief of the horrible side effects. I am still experiencing some of these side effects, though they are slowly fading, despite it now being at least 6 months since stopping the antidepressants.
I do not believe this doctor has my life or health as a priority. I do not believe she values my life at all. I honestly feel as if I cannot trust my surgeon and feel fairly unsafe in her care. However, she is in the TOP of all rated endometriosis surgeons, specializes in Essure removal and deep infiltrating endometriosis.
We picked this surgeon because her qualifications seem stellar and she has glowing reviews from patients, all except one patient, though research has found no further information beyond that she has accepted payments from pharma companies for unknown reasons. I spent no less than 3 months researching before agreeing to see this specialist. To say I am terrified right now is an understatement.
One of the worst side effects I’ve been dealing with, besides bladder failure and constant pain, is unexplained weight loss. On eating or drinking ANYTHING-even water-, my ovaries, bladder, and vagina become so painful that it causes intense nausea, pain, dizzy spells, and more. It makes it very difficult to drink water or eat solid food, and very difficult to finish meals. My weight was 125 pounds on January 29, 2020. As of March 4, 2020, my weight was 113 pounds. This is getting dangerous, and underweight for my height and frame.
I have attempted to contact my doctor about this a few times and was ignored. On March 4, 2020, I received a call back from the nurse with this statement from my surgeon, “I don’t usually cancel surgeries for being underweight, but we can in this case to first send you to a nutritionist.” They did NOT understand what was going on or where my pain was coming from, despite me telling them quite plainly- IT IS NOT MY STOMACH. I managed to correct the nurse about what was actually going on with my body and symptoms, and my surgery was not cancelled, though we will likely now be seeing a nutritionist as well a my pelvic floor physical therapist regularly during recovery.
With any luck, my surgeon will be able to fully excise all of my endometriosis. We are hoping that whatever her unknown personal bias against me will not prevent her from doing her job correctly. We are hoping this surgery restores my quality of life which was snatched so cruelly on August 25, 2018 the night my Essure ruptured. We are hoping that I come out of this surgery with a new lease on life, and no more missing organs.
The recovery from this surgery will be over a full year. Since my endometriosis has been wildly unmanaged for 16 years, nearly taking my life multiple times. Because this surgery is much more invasive and intense, I will be taking the next 3-6 months “OFF”. I have been planning and filming for months to prepare for this, and as such, will not be filming again until January 11, 2021. I will be taking calls and texts ONLY during this recovery period.
My video release schedule will be much slower than it has been, but I plan to have at least one new video release every week for the duration of my recovery. I will reopen custom videos on January 11, 2021 ONLY for customers who have purchased videos and supported me during recovery. When my recovery has progressed enough, I will begin filming again at a much slower pace.
I hope you will all support me during this difficult time. I have only taken exactly FOUR DAYS off in my entire 9 year career, so this is new territory for me. I hope you will continue to buy my videos and enjoy my website. While my body may be changing, my passion for my career and art has not changed. I love my job and creating erotic art. Despite being bedridden, I have pushed myself to learn more special effects and expand into new filming techniques. While the limitations of my body may be confining at this moment, I refuse to be limited.
This is my chance at a new life. I will not stop fighting until I have the life I deserve.
Thank you for respecting my health and supporting my work.